I have a sudden, bone-crushingly, to the depths of despair, what-is-the-point-of-anything, depression.
My head is pounding intensely, I feel so drained, so upset, so heavy, so robotic. Every little task is just too much. I want to sleep, sleep and continue sleeping forever. There is a knot in my throat, in my head, behind my eyes. This ego here will just not give it up. I am so bloody fed up.
That’s not the right thing to say, you know, well, fuck it, I am fucking well saying it. There’s no I! All is one, no fucking seperation, no right, no wrong, no fucking nothing. No, no? Who are you kidding?
I do not fucking care.
All this is pretense. I am playing mind games with myself. I am waiting, waiting for something; I don’t even know what, thinking I had it, thinking it was nearly here, thinking, thinking.
Raging on and on, I have been sitting here for half an hour staring at a blank screen, listening to rain pouring, pouring, pouring on the roof, totally immersed in grief. I want to disappear into the rain, hit the ground so hard, pound out all this sorrow, grind it out of me on the sharp rocks out there. Why can’t I be the rain right now? Beat myself into a frenzy, on and on, drive myself into the ground, let the ground break me up.
I want to go to bed and forget, forget everything about this life, forget the sorrow, the pain, the grief, the rain.
Tears are flowing. What is the point? Who is pouring forth all this grief? Where is the heart breaking itself into a million pieces, dissolving with every beat? What is the thing making me so sad, so distraught, so ready to give it all in and just sleep?
Relentless rain, relentless tears and I remain so dry.
My husband is talking to me, arranging things for this afternoon whilst I am on the edge of my seat, hidden, typing out the grief falling down violently onto the soft stone floor. The dog sits and looks, deep eyes on me. Eyes unquestioningly and unfailingly devoted to the person sitting over here, who is breaking down over the fact that she can’t disappear into the fog, distraught at the fact that she cannot get lost like tears in rain.
Distraught.
